Zero Friction

Good morning internets...though it is not morning here I imagine it most certainly is somewhere that the internet reaches. Crazy I know.

It's making me crazy that I can't access hulu on this computer anymore and my queue is getting longer and longer and longer. AGH! I'll have to spend some time after getting a new battery for my car tomorrow to watch it.

Yes, today as I was about to go to work I tried to start my car and it failed to respond. I knew that my battery had been getting close to dead for quite some time now, I had just been putting off getting one because, well, when it comes to car stuff I am kind of lazy. Now I need to load my dad into a different car and make him go battery shopping with me on his birthday >.< Oh well, at least its easily fixable, right?

Other than that I have not much else to say at all today. My cat goes to get her shots tomorrow...oh excitement. This means I should call home and tell them not to set her free! Because otherwise I will undoubtedly have to cancel said vet appt because I cannot find my cat. That always seems to happen at the worst of times.

That's all of my exciting news for now internets...have a good night!

I'll Sing It One More Time for You, But then I really have to go...

I enjoy really long subject lines that don't have anything to do with the subject of my actual post...like I said earlier, just lines of songs that happen to be stuck in my head at the moment.

I feel weird today...like my head is not connected to my body and I'm having trouble focusing...maybe I just haven't eaten enough? I have no idea. It's kind of bizarre and I'm not sure I like it. Throat is also slowly getting more sore. I hope my funny-haha joke about being sick on Sunday is not coming true. Only I half hope it is, because then I don't have to deal with the crappy staffing. Only I don't because that will be two Sundays in a row that I was scheduled that I have called in for and patterns never look good. Blegh. I'll see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Because if I feel crappy I'm not going to be coming in...seriously I would much rather be helping Sarah and Dad do siding right now. It definitely sounds way more fun than being here.

I need to finish up some of books that I am currently reading. So in no particular order I shall list them and decide upon my chances of finishing them (whilst making phone calls! I am so multi-skilled!)

• Killbox (Sirantha Jax #4) by Anne Aguirre I think that this book is probably going to be the quickest one for me to get through. It's sci-fi genre and I enjoy the characters, though the author has gotten rid of the promise of hot sci-fi sex that drew me to it in the first place. At least so far there hasn't been any. :( But the story line is progressing lovely and I really enjoy the whole grimspace thing
• Generation Kill by Evan Wright I feel like at some point I'll just start powering through this and it'll end pretty quickly. Since its my current bring to work book there is the off chance that this will be the book that I finish first. I find it fascinating because its nonfiction and the people in it are real honest to god people out there in the world some where who I could perchance bump into someday
• Earth: A guide to the human race by Jon Stewart et. al. Interesting book written from the perspective that humanity has managed to wipe itself out and the only information for what we were is contained in this book and whatever managed to be left behind after we destroyed ourselves in some magnificent fashion. Really kind of hilarious. Those poor aliens are going to be so confused about what the hell humans were. I don't know if they'll really grasp the humor
• The Ambassador's Mission by Trudi Canavan This book is going to take me forever. I tend to think that this author is a bit of a one hit wonder in the sense that I really enjoyed her first trilogy. It was great. Everything since then has been...eh...y'know not as good. Her second trilogy (set in a different world) I couldn't even read. Ugh, then she wrote a half decent book in her first world (I think it was a prequel, and that's why it's only kind of good). This book is also in the original world, but it just doesn't have the right kind of feel and it's going to take my forever. It might get relegated to the books I couldn't get through shelf.
• Bogus Science by John Grant This is one of those books I just cart around with me everywhere to read in doctor's offices and such so I don't expect to get through it anytime soon. It also functions as my back up work book in case I forget anything else. Interesting and hilarious all at the same time as being educational. Just a good book to read.
• Books that I have misplaced: The Wind up Girl by Paolo Bacigulupi; The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan I may never find these again. Who knows where they have gone. But I'll keep them on my list on the off chance that they reappear and I manage to finish them.

So I think that's about all I have to write about today. So glad that I remembered the cord with which to plug in my mp3 player today. Music makes it go so much more smoothly than otherwise. And my head still feels weird.

A Good Time, That's What I'm Here For...

I have a tendancy to title things with whatever song lyric is stuck in my head at the time. I'm really oddly tired today. I'm wondering if this is a side effect of my recent experimentation with EXTREMELY low levels of caffeine intake. So far no horrible migraines that make me wish I could die. A little bit of a low grade left sided head ache on occasion. But that could also be the computer screens as they are not the easiest on the eye balls.

I should be receiving a True Blood comic in the mail tomorrow (YAY!). However, it will probably arrive after I have already left for work (BOO!). I should also get the next 2 discs of Vampire Diaries from the netflix (yay?). Have I mentioned how much I love the largely unused postal system? Its kind of lovely that you can send something to someone anywhere in the world and actually expect it to get there in some sort of a reasonable amount of time. Which reminds me that I should get a birthday card to my friend in Australia...though it will totally arrive late since I believe her birthday is today. It's the thought that counts right? It'll have to be an adorable kitten card because we often discuss our adorable kittens.

Other things to blog about...hmmmm...I'm just kind of keeping this window open as a stream of consciousness thing while I'm here at work because I forgot the thing to plug in my mp3 player and unfortunately the computer won't let me watch hulu anymore (maybe I'll go try one in the back). I also forgot my little writey tablet with the story I was writing on it. I have my other one though so I could work on that. I also have a couple of books with me. It is day 3 of 7 in a row which means that tomorrow is day 4 and that always makes me much happier because I am more than halfway done. I feel like I've been really pro-active in looking ahead at my weekend and knowing what my most likely problems will be and informing the schedulers (well, the ones who are here, how is it that two of them are let off at once for vacation but two staffing clerks can't be? Double standard, yes, I think so) of the problems so that they can get on it. And also bugging my manager so that she can track down the managers who don't listen to their schedulers, or in some cases **coughREHABcough** don't have one and beat them in the head with their problems. I doubt it will do a whole lot, but at least the calls will get put out early.

Enough about work. Work is dumb and I feel like I focus on it too much. I guess I do have to make money somehow...**le sigh** can't I just be independently wealthy? Or not have an obsession with DVDs, books, and video games? Because I'd need much less money if I stopped buying those things. But I love them. Especially books. I consume them at an alarming rate. I bought this really cool book the other day (or at least it seems like it will be really cool) about Peter the Great. I loves me some history. Oddly enough especially Russian history. I should be awesome.

Okay, I really should probably stop now and do my job. Blegh. Oh wells...have a lovely evening everyone!

The Infinite Possibilities

Today I am cataloging things that make me happy.

• The fall sun outside. It's gorgeous and I love the beginning of fall, well, I love most of fall, though occasionally the rain gets to me (usually around my birthday since I am a child of Autumn)
• My signed picture of Kristin Bauer makes me happy. I just look at it and get a dumb grin. Ah the mystical powers of twitter
• I've lost around 25lbs now (weighing yourself when your hair is wet, never a good idea). This means my current diet is working and that makes me happy. It's going to suck when I plateau though.
• True Blood comic book #3 is on its way to my hot little hands as we speak!
• Only 6 more days of work in this stretch? It's totally better than 7.

So, I think that covers it for the things that are currently making me happy about life. However, my computer at work seems to be incapable of accessing hulu any longer and this makes me sad. But I'll get over it. Just one more reason to buy an ipad right? ^_^ I do kind of desire one, but I am not sure I desire to sink the kind of money I am going to need into it...birthday present from Uncle Louis? Doubtful. Forgot to bring my writing to work last night so was stuck reading one of the many books that I keep in my purse. Currently its Generation Kill by Evan Wright(along with Bogus Science by John Grant). I decided I should probably read the book after I watched the mini-series, which was pretty well done and lifted almost directly word for word in some parts from the book. I'm not quite done so we'll see how much of it lines up. At some point I should stack up all the books I'm currently reading and the ones I have yet to read and snap a pic of them all just for the sake of really letting people know how ridiculous the amounts of books I read at once are.

Which reminds me that I should stop at B&N on the way to work today and grab the new book Earth by the Daily Show. They always crack me up and I do kind of want it in hard cover.

Off I go my pretties! Try to enjoy the gorgeous fall day!

The Mysterious Mind of Me

Perhaps this is not clear, but I spend a lot of time thinking about the process of thinking. Such as how I get into thinking about really strange things in my head. I think there are probably several levels of thinking going on in any persons head at any one time. You've got the surface level, where you are thinking about things you need to do and listening to what people are saying to you and participating in conversations and such. The kind of basics level. Then you have another level perhaps below that, perhaps just y'know more like a circle within a circle where the break down of what's going on in the outer level happens. Where conversations get saved for later dissection and it'll throw things at you occasionally out of no where. This level seems to be very active for me when I am driving. I'll just start breaking every other thing down and trying to draw all sorts of crazy conclusions from it. Sometimes, if left to it's own devices, at least for me, this level can do more harm than good when it gets stuck on some crazy paranoid bender of the-world-hates-me-ness. Now deeper within a circle within in a circle of you brain is that level that takes care of all the stuff you never think about and throws random thoughts at you when you're right on the edge of sleep.

So that's my view on my strange meta-thinking type of process. My third ring of mind threw an interesting question at me when I was going to sleep last night...however, first let me make this clear. I am a huge day dreamer, I day dream all the fuckin' time. Like someday I may just lose myself in them and never come out. So, the thought my brain threw at me was this (and I'm cleaning it up a little because my brain is never really very clear on things that far in): When I day dream why am I never a vampire?

And this puzzled me because it is true. In my day dreams that involve vampires, I never am one. Hmmmmm...this made me think that there were probably all sorts of interesting conclusions that I could draw from that about my brain and my self and all sorts of stuff. But more it just made me think. Then it made me think back through TV shows. Could it be because you never see bad-ass female vampires with souls struggling to redeem themselves? Hmmm Joss Whedon? And True Blood has some bad ass female vamps (I do especially love Pam, but Nan Flanagan has the potential to be pretty awesome too) but none of them compare in screen time to the guy vamps (or really in the amount of skin they show, because Eric and Bill have certainly been naked much more). So, maybe there is a lack of bad ass female vamp main characters on TV? And perhaps in books as well? Though Xhex is pretty awesome in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Hmmmm...

And then of course I have weird dreams with the Dresden Dolls in it and Amanda Palmer signing my ukelele...weird. My brain has way too much time on it's hands is my conclusion and I need to read more and watch less...well, probably watch less True Blood, but then I would just read more Sookie Stackhouse novels and it would end up pretty much the same.

Also I have officially lost 20lbs since June according to my mother's scale. WHOO HOO!

Later, next time I will try to explain something not as convoluted as my thought process. And I abhor proof reading which is why this blog will stay as poorly edited as it is. So there. You can't make me proofread! (Also the reason I shall probably never get anything published, ironically enough).

The Suburbs

The title of this blog reflects the CD I am listening too right now (or at least when I drive around in my car). It's the new one from the Arcade Fire. I'm enjoying it. It's one of those CDs that sounds mellow but it subversive. My favorite kind. It also gets better the longer you listen to it. And it has 16 tracks which means that you're really getting your monies worth out of it. I always feel like explaining the titles of my posts. Don't know why.

Things I've been contemplating lately:

• Going to San Diego Comic Con next year. I do believe me and some friends from work are planning to road trip down there so we can see all of our most favorite stars. Or at least y'know, some attractive actors.
• Hawaii at the end of February/beginning of March. I am very excited to go. I haven't been on a plane in a really long time, much less been anywhere out of the state. Basically I haven't been anywhere out of the state since 2008, which was the last time I went to California. And that wasn't super fun. Interesting and educational yes, fun, not so much. So I'm really looking forward to a fun trip.
• I started my meeting with Northstar this past week and we do a bunch of stuff tomorrow and then I start on the diet that we conclude is best for me and hopefully my weight loss gets a big boost. Not that I've done badly over the summer, having dropped nearly 20lbs in 3 months, but it'll be nice to have some accountability and I think it will keep me much more motivated. (Goal weight is 250lbs by Hawaii and 225lbs by comic con! Totally doable in my mind.)

That's about all I can think of to write about at this point. I've been writing quite a bit lately, though I don't know if I want to say that because when I do my writing seems to dry up for a little while. But we'll see if it does. I hope not. I've also been watching a lot of Criminal Minds. Great show that one. I do enjoy all of the actors and I am really sad that they cut JJ's character entirely out of the season that starts soon and that Prentiss (the only other female agent) is only contracted for half of the episodes. That leaves Garcia as the only full time female cast member, and while I love Garcia, don't get me wrong, I feel kind of gipped out of female FBI role models. Now all we're left with is freakin' Covert Affairs and a rogue Nikita. Come on guys. Give me a break. Super lame.

I am ridiculously excited for TV to start up again however. I love my non-reality tv shows with something that borders on really obsessed. I don't watch reality tv because if I'm going to devote an hour to a show I want to lost myself in not reality. Not watch a bunch of rich, spoiled people argue with each other. That makes me crazy. I want to watch Chuck, or Psych, or y'know anything else that's not reality Tv (except maybe project runway...Tim Gunn is awesome after all).

So until I desire to rant on and on again interwebs. Have a nice day

Red Eye Liner

So, I am exhausted. I haven't been this tired since I quit caffeine cold turkey in January nad I'm starting to get a head ache as well. Absolutely miserable. Forgot to put the aleve in my bag so now I am super miffed at me. Ergo the fact that it's going to look like I'm wearing more and more red eye liner as the week goes on. I hope that the construction people decide not to work on Saturday, I'm building up what must be one hell of a sleep debt.

So, I've been remembering something that is cracking me up. The remembrance is brought on by the scene in True Blood where Alex Skarsgard wears a skirt. The commentary says that apparently he really enjoyed wearing a skirt. Which brings me to my remembrance of tall guys who like to wear skirts. I had this friend who worked at camp Horizon with me. His camp name was Samson, and we discovered the first year there that Samson loved to wear flowy long skirts. He was 6'4" our first year at camp and I'm not gonna deny that I had a little bit of a crush on him (he bit me, what can I say?) Unfortunately Samson also did and dealt a ton of drugs, which made him cool for hanging out with, but not dateable since I do try to stay away from drug dealers. So, the specific story of Samson in a skirt that I am remembering is not from my first year at camp, but my second year. Samson grew two inches in a year, came back and was 6'6" (freaking huge, also still attractive) and one day we decided to have a contest where us girls shaved some of the boys legs to see how fast it could be done (the campers always found gender bending extremely amusing). So Samson's legs got shaved. We only did up to the knee. Of course then he borrowed the razor and finished the rest himself. This was Friday afternoon before our evening dance and Nora and I decided that Samson needed an appropriate outfit for his newly shaved legs. We supplied him with a jean mini skirt and a very attractive red plaid top. I don't think any photos of this outfit exist, which is much more the shame. There was a camper there that week that had already decided that Samson was his boyfriend, so Nora and I spent much of dinner and all of the dance protecting Samson from the camper that wanted to kiss him. Which was really fun for both of us because it involved a lot of smacking Samson around and grabbing his bum. Obviously greatness. After the weekly dance we always went to the camp fire and sang the end of the week songs, all of the counselors standing in a line with our arms wrapped around each other sharing our favorite memories of the week about our campers. Nora and I stood on either side of Samson, hands firmly grabbing his bum. He was getting a little pissy at that point because he was too tall and couldn't reach our bums.

No doubt we probably paid for all of that later in an impromptu night time wrestling match. But it was all good fun and I've been thinking about it the last few days and laughing really hard. Probably half from lack of sleep and partly just because I am crazy. I wonder what happened to Samson. I heard that he ended up going to drug & alcohol rehab a few years ago and I hope he's doing okay. He's the only man who's ever written me a dirty poem. It was so great. I'd love to look him up again, but I'm afraid he was in such a drugged up haze back then that he would hardly remember me at all. So sad.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest I feel much lighter. All those worries about people who you don't really know. Such a strange, surreal world I live in.

OH MY FREAKIN' GOD

So, camping this last weekend (Friday through Monday morning at Birch Bay Family property) was amazing. Such a great time had by all, despite me sustaining the worlds worst sunburn on Saturday through being a dumbass...however, two more days and it will all be tan, so no biggy.

the title of the blog is in response to my hormones which are going freaking crazy. UGH. Not that it's a horrible thing to want to jump the bones of every man you see (yay for my house being surrounded all day by predominantly attractive construction workers with no shirts on) but seriously! It's getting a little old. However, the liberal application of Sookie Stackhouse novels is probably not helping the case at all. This is the second month on the birth control and I definitely feel like I have hormones again...were as I used to hardly ever feel like I had hormones at all. I might have to watch Legion again.

I've been writing quite a bit on a story that is so completely an x-men rip off (all it takes to make it a fanfic is bringing in a x-universe character) but I'm enjoying it and sometimes you just have to write something that you enjoy.

Summer weightloss is going fairly well, I am at a solid 8-10 lbs and have figured out a good system without having to sacrifice the foods I like at the moment. I eat something when I get up, have a light snack for lunch and then a larger dinner. This seems to work fairly well, even though it's often rather cheese heavy (because I love cheese).

All I have for now blogisphere. Don't party too hard while I'm gone.

My angst problem...

Every once in a while I get this feeling. It's a hard feeling to explain. All I want to do is watch super angsty things, which naturally leads me to really bad horror films since they're normally more angsty than anything else (or really campy horror films which I just love anyway).

I watched Legion. And then immediately had to go out and buy Legion because I loved it that much. This is entirely the combination of Paul Bettany's super hotness (he and Alan Tudyk where really the only things that made A Knight's Tale bareable), and it's super campy horror with angst nature. It totally heightened that fuzzy feeling.

It also makes me want to write super angst ridden fiction. Which usually leads me to writing near x-men fan fiction types of stories. Because there is lots of room for angst there. However now it's also lead me to watch True Blood. Which is also pretty angst ridden. AGH. I have an angst problem everyone. I just needed to get that out there into the universe. It needed to be said. definitely. Thanks for listening.

And I still totally think that Paul Bettany counts as a red-head part of the time. Just like Alan Tudyk.

Summer Colds

Happy solstice day everyone! I wish it was a little nicer, but it's definitely nice enough. I may head out to the trampoline in a bit.

I have an awful summer cold. I hate it. It's not so bad on the cold meds but it makes me a little miserable and makes 8 hours shifts truly miserable by the end of them. Ugh, not to mention that all those stupid questions people ask are 10 times more annoying when you're struggling with just trying to get words out of your mouth that don't sound like you've been playing the chubby bunny game.

I need to work on my ukelele song. The first verse is not quite right. It might be right for another song, but not for the song that it is currently attached too. I'm also going to a girls night thing tonight with some girls from high school. That should be interesting and a little nerve racking. Oh well, I'm sure it will be fun!

Mistakes on the part of Nature

I struggle a lot with not feeling like I'm important to people. I don't know why this is. I know it's not true. People don't need to be paying attention to me or invite me to everything for me to feel important, but sometimes, a lot of times, I just tend to feel ignored or left out. I'm of the opinion that it is completely my fault because people really aren't ignoring me that much. I'm just considering every activity without me ignorance and that is not necessarily true. Who wants to spend all of their time around me? I mean, there's no one I particularily want to spend all of my time around. So why do I feel like this? ARGH! It's really very frustrating. I hate it. i'm working on it, but I really don't know how to get better at it. I figure maybe I just need to widen my circle of friends? At the same time some days I just like to have my time to myself and more friends means more time commitments. ugh. Life is confusing. And it makes me crazy. I need to chillax.

Blue Veins

Tonight has been a decent evening at work. I am so glad that I only have one more evening shift after today before 4 days off. I am eager to see the people that I do not see during the week. I really miss Christa though. I hope she comes up for a while this summer, and it would be awesome if she came camping with us.

I'm still waiting to see what Audrey wants for a house warming present. And I miss Sarah's b-day BBQ tomorrow. Bummer.

I put on music tonight and that seems to have calmed my brain somewhat. I like calm brain, it's much nicer than my usual thinking of a thousand things all at once non-stop brain. I am so tired of being at work that I can barely type accurately. Ugh. Awfulness.

I cannot wait for the canoes for ski-to-sea on Sunday. Totally my favorite part of that race. The canoe paddlers are such cards. I hope it doesn't get canceled because they decide that the river is to high like they did last year. Because I was all prepared to watch them last year and then they canceled it and I was bummed. This year though, I shall tell them that there must be a canoe leg. Because I need it yo.

I feel like making something epic. But I do not know what I could make that is epic. So I'll just settle for puzzling it out right now. Maybe I should make an epic scarf. Or work on my cross stitch stuff somemore. I find needle work very relaxing, but not something you should do when you are uber tired.

Til later party people.

Comatose...

I've decided to move back to this blog over here just because I like the feel of it better than livejournal. Livejournal feels way to commercial now, especially if you don't want to pay for any of their services. Don't get me wrong, I'll still check in over there from time to time on my friends list, but I probably won't post.

I've just been feeling the need to blog lately. I don't know where it comes from. I'd say that 80% of the time journaling for my own self is enough. (Heaven forbid anyone ever try to read my journals in chronological order, because I switch books as the mood strikes me, it's a weakness, what can I say?)

It's becoming summer slowly here in the Northwest and I love it so much. Each day brings new and exciting plants to life and bloom and all the greatness. I just like to sit outside and enjoy it. However, I'm in the middle of an 8 day stretch at work that I signed up for like and idiot and I'm exhausted and thus not really enjoying much of anything.

I went to an Evelyn Evelyn/Amanda Palmer/Jason Webley/Sxip Shirey concert last week and it was amazing. It was so much fun. I have never felt so much in touch with everyone in the venue. It was great. Especially since it thinned out a bit at the end and all that was left were the people who felt like this was the place that they wanted to be. It was epic. It was something I would do again, anytime, anywhere. It made me feel so great. And you know it's an excellent show when you come away feeling better about yourself and like you've just been seriously entertained.

So, struggling with a lot of people issues lately. Just feeling alone and like I have no one to do stuff with. Which is usually largely my own fault because I don't call people and just dumb shit like that. And I don't feel appreciated, even though I know that it isn't true that I'm not appreciated. I'm trying to figure out who I don't feel appreciated by, and it's not anyone that I can put my finger on, it's just my vague feeling of meh-ness. I want to run away sometimes, but I don't really. Because running away would be hard and I don't feel like I ever do anything hard anymore. Grrrr...I also think it's because I don't have enough music. I need more music. And more art. I always wonder why I don't paint or carve or sculpt or do anything like that. And I'm finding more and more people annoying at work and getting really easily aggravated (which could also be the working 8 days in a row thing).

I just don't know what I want to do right now. I want to do everything and that's paralyzing me so that I end up doing nothing.

Frustration.

Of tents and men

So, nothing big going on. It's finally summer. I bought a tent today so that...

#1. I can sleep outside

#2. I can easily go camping

#3. I have something that people can live (or almost live) in that's purely mine.

Only downside is that you can't really play a playstation in there...well you can if you bring your TV and playstation to it i guess. That would probably be doable. But doesn't that defeat the whole idea of being outdoors? Either way, i like it yo. Now I just have to wait for Amazon to deliver it...probably sometime next week, either wednesday or friday, or possibly the monday after that...who knows, all i know is that it will be here before spectacle lake and that's really all that matters, yo.

Otherwise I spend all of my time playing FFXII lately. It really is a good game, and the last FF I will be able to play until I get myself a PS3. Which will likely be a while since I have to move out first. That's okay, cuz I do believe that they are still putting out PS2 games...It's when Naughty Dawg finally get another game out that it will become truly difficult for me to hold back. I love those guys...I'll love them even more if they make another Jak game with a better plot than Jak X. I know there's more plot out there, they left it open for so much more. SO MUCH MORE. Damn them and their not making of one. Other than that there definitely needs to be more monkey island...becuase there just hasn't been a new one in far to long...or another afterlife type of sim...there's black and white, but that's not really very after lifey...it's much more god likey

Higher Ground

So, Lennon is busy straddling the sofa. Mary is playing guitar hero, and i'm here to type on my blog. Blog...I remember when they were almost totally for personal use back in the early days of livejournal and deadjournal. You didn't run the risk of having some crazy corporation spamming you with offers through your blog and you didn't have to worry about people finding it and spamming your own blog everywhere, it was for you and the people you chose to share it with. If I think about computers have changed a lot since I first started using...Hell, I remember when I have five and we used Dosshell. That was long ago in a much simpler world. I wouldn't even know how to get there using microsoft vista...I use to know how in '98, but not anymore. The system is to complicated and has to many back ground programs anymore. But where would we be without it? Well, people would still write letters by hand which would be nice. Because I honestly do love a hand written letter.

July 22 is when Eric is supposed to get married to this girl that we've all met once. She seems very nice, but it just worries me that he's going to get a year and a half into this thing and be completely unhappy. What happens then? He doesn't believe in divorce, so he's just stuck with her for the rest of his life? That doesn't seem fair to either of them.

My dad is retiring from farming which seems very strange as well. What will he do with himself is something that I think every one is wondering. I think that he'll be happy, or more happy than he is now, once he is retired. He'll have time to do things that he likes to do. Mom feels like everyone is blaming her. I'm pretty sure she didn't sneak around in the night and put compression fractures in his back. It wasn't her fault that he fell out of a silo a long time ago thus probably compromising the entire structure of his spine and that he has arthritis in it as well.

Anyway, that's about all I have to rant about for right now. Last final tomorrow and then i'm free all summer long. It'll be joyous.

shoo bee doo bee doooo

so here i am sitting at my desk at work once again and pondering what i think of the world...i talked to audrey tonight again about her and jack, and how jack thinks he knows what's best for her (which would be breaking up with him, so James Dean "I'm a bad man" like) and Audrey knows that she wants to stay together with him, no matter how long she has to wait, but Jack can't really accept that. I think that if she keeps telling him that she's not leaving he's going to get it eventually. I just hope that the stuff that Derek heard about isn't true, I know how things have a way of getting twisted when they are told to him, but sometimes he is right.

Lacy I'm also worried about, she gets really depressed when she's drunk and that's not a good thing, like she's fine when she's around a lot of people but as soon as she's alone or one on one she starts to spiral down into a not good place. It's things like that that cause me to worry about people.

I'm also worried about Eric and his fishing boat this summer, it just doesn't seem like a place that he'd be. And there are a lot of accidents that can happen on a fishing boat. Lots of accidents do happen and I hope that for his sake and Rachel's none of those things happen to him. I like Rachel, I hope that if she and Eric do get married that they make it work for the long run, I'd like to see that. It would also give Eric something constant to depend on, but I also think that it would be a blow to Lacy, because Eric was a make-out buddy and what it comes down to is that it's just another guy who's leaving her for a younger girl or something like that. Poor girl, I often think Lacy perceives things that happen as slights to her personally, which they rarely ever are, though they might be sometimes, but she takes everything much to personally on the whole.

I'm glad I don't really have to worry about Krystal and Josh at this point. They are pretty solid in how they feel about eachother, and what speed and where they want to take their relationship. I know that a lot of the time Krystal and Josh make Lacy and Audrey feel bad because they are so happy together and Lacy doesn't have that, and Audrey doesn't have it currently with Jack with all the troubles that they're going through right now. But I'm over that point of being jealous of other people's relationships. Krystal and Josh are really good about not rubbing it in other people's faces, I think. Lacy's relationships always bother me because i think she does have a tendency to rub it in people's faces that she has someone and you don't. It's not even directly, but just the way she acts.

I'm a little worried about Sarah and her need of a boy who knows what he's doing and where he's going and exactly what he wants out of a relationship with her. She says she's sick of guys who don't know. And i'm worried about mary and her self-esteem, there's only so much i can build her up, those people she hangs out with keep tearing down all my hard work and she knows it too. She tells me that they are making her self-esteem less and all i have to tell her is to stop hanging out with them, but then who is she supposed to hang out with she asks me, and i honestly don't know. There's always Brent. But Brent hangs out with Zach and Zach and Mary can't stand each other. GARG.

Anyway, AFI has a new CD coming out next month that i'm pretty excited about, i may just have to go back to my Emo/Goth days to enjoy the finer aspects of it...hopefully this transition will not be accompanied by the black hair, because it really looks awful on me! (yay, i can finally admit that). I think I like AFI because it always seems like you're a part of something much larger than just yourself. And that means a lot to me that the band likes to keep it that way, I think it's a very important aspect of their appeal.

THE END

things that go bump in the hospital

so, i totally am completely at a loss about what to do about the whole Eric situation...i want to do something, but i don't know that i can because he's really the one who needs to come out and be like "i said some shit about you guys, and i feel really bad about it, i just wanted you to know" he doesn't need to specify what it was, he just needs to apologize, and then he needs to make things right with Ryan because that was a really shitty thing he did to him. I just don't know that he's even considered a friend anymore, and i know deep down, that he's not, and maybe he never was, not to me at least, i mean...just one of those people who you always think you're close to and then one day it hits you that you're not really...and then you don't know what to do about it because how can you make something that was never there better...and does Rachel know about him making out with Lacy while or just before they supposedly started going out? i feel so bad for that girl because i'm sure that he thinks he loves her until something better comes along, or something shiny and new...i just don't think there's really anything i can do about the whole situation except watch it implode at a distance...and then maybe try to help pick up the pieces, if i'm even allowed
i just want to sit him down at coffee and tell him everything that we know that he's said because of various people having a big mouth...and i want to tell him not to get mad at him because someone would have told us eventually and he should realize that's true about everything that he says...but i miss the boy and i don't really know what to do about it...i feel so helpless in this situation...agh...

and the world spins on...

So, party planning not so much what i'm good at...got some people coming that i don't exactly want to come, but hopefully they won't stay that long. Sarah is dealing with Chris Hadley again, which is stupid. I just want people like that to go away. It's going to be an interesting night. I don't know how i'm going to get people to park were i want them to park but i'm going to try my bestest. I can't believe that i have to work another 12 hours tomorrow...at least it's money though, right? and money is what makes me fix my car. Got an interesting book today. It's called Fondling Your Muse, it's a humourous book about how to write a novel. Though most of it is humour there is a little bit of advice to be found in it. And that's very good. because advice is what i need. I might actually see if there's a writing a novel for dummies book because i would like some info on writing more well rounded characters. I need to continue on with the novel that i half finished for nanowrimo. I would really like to get that one published in teen fiction. I think i could sell a few. Perhaps not a best seller, but definitely something. That would be good. I could possibly bring in some royalties off of it and that would help with the finances a little. mmm...finances

All work and no play...

so i've been working over 12 hours the last two days and it's hard, much harder than i ever thought i would be, not so much the work itself but the dragging yourself out of bed at 4:30am to milk cows, and then dragging yourself to sit behind a desk for another 8 hours...doing stuff that's pretty much mindless...i am apparently a genius though according to the people at the hospital to be able to do as much as i can already, it's good to be complemented...mmmhmmm...i need to go to bed now however, because that's a good place to go when you have to work in the morning. Mom and Dad are having fun in hawaii which is good

Oh yes, Yes I do.

so...I don't know if i mentioned but i have an exciting new job. I did also talk to Audrey today. And i feel a little bit better about the whole thing. Other than that i don't know.

I'm supposed to be having this party, and i desperately wish to keep it small, but Mary keeps asking if she can invite all these people, and if i invite those people i need to invite yet more people...and i don't really want to. I want to keep it small. I mean like 10, MAYBE 12 people. That many are easy to manage and we have enough beds for them. But we're getting up into the maybe 17 range, and that makes me uncomfortable because i have to milk the next morning and work the next afternoon. So i think i'm going to say no to more people, it's just to much.

Eric is back up and he hasn't hung out with us once which isn't a huge surprise since he's all mister i'm gonna get married. That's so weird, i don't think he should do it, the girl is much to innocent for him and in about 3 years they're not going to be having any fun anymore and knowing eric he'll stay married just for the kids and then he'll be dooming himself to the life off his parents.

Ryan, don't even get me started, he's so weird, he thinks he's allowed to be way more cozy with girls than he should be and then doesn't ever realize that they don't want thim that close, need i explain anymore why i'm not inviting him?

Greg...Greg is someone i would have invited 6 months ago just because I feel pity for him. But that was before camp where he decided that my sister was the hugest flirt ever and totally led him on. Now i find him annoying because his ridiculous need for a girlfriend is consuming him...i swear it's all he ever thinks about and he's very bitter towards people who have a significant other and are happy. I don't think i really want to deal with him when he's drunk, i'm scared of what he might try to pull on my little sisters, or my friends since he cut Jack with a box top the other day. I am slightly concerned about him, but he's had plenty of chances to get a girlfriend, he's just to blinded by what he wants to see it. He wants a pretty pretty girl, maybe that's not what he's meant to have. He just makes me very angry, and him drunk is not my idea of a fun night, especially since i have to get up at 4:30 and go milk cows. I want to keep it fairly low key.

I seem to be having problems with everyone lately don't i? I just think it's that time of year. The time of year when i have infinite problems. I need to shock the hot tub before the 21st as well. Okay...i'm done and i'm going now. I get to sleep in tomorrow and i should savor the days while i have them